I miss the abuse

Hi. this post is going to talk about emotional and psycological abuse in as much detail as i remember and will go into detail of dangerous situations i was in including sexual abuse of a minor. please skip this post if you're not in a place to read this i will mark the sexual abuse section with a heart❤ so you can skip that section.

i realized today that i miss the abuse i suffered from my family. its been nearly a year of attempted no contact. I say attempted because they keep love bombing me every few months or so by offering money, trips, and trying to get those around me to pass on messages, it almost worked too. talking with bay this morning i relized i miss their abuse. I miss them telling me what I feel and think. I miss them controling every aspect of my life. where i worked, if i went to school, what plans i could make, how i spoke to doctors, even what i told my therapist. I miss it, because now i dont know whats real anymore because they arent there to tell me any more.

I learned very quickly growing up that I was a liar. that nothing i said was true, and that the only truth was what my parents told me was true. they told me everything that i knew was a lie. As i got older they started taking me to therapy only to come in every session and tell my therapist everything i said was a lie and that they couldnt manage me. they said i was violent and manipulative, and while i dont know about calling a ten year old manipulative i could be violent.

i learned very young to bottle everything and go numb. it dosent hurt if you cant feel anything. but there is only so long you can be screamed at before you scream back. I learned quickly that i was too small and weak to fight them so i screamed until i couldnt and when that wasnt enough i started hurting myself. i would find a small spot on my body and pick it till it bled. I wouldnt eat more than two meals a week without vomiting up any extra calories - maybe if i was skinny my mom would love me. I was bullied at school for being weird and abused at home for not being perfect. it all came to a head in sixth grade when walking home from school. my brother and i would cross a highway overpass to get home. I tried to jump the guard rail only to be pulled back by my older brother and marched home. I wasnt taken to a hospital. I wasnt even asked why. the only thing my dad asked was "is this going to be a  problem"  I said no and was left at that. my parents didnt care if i died so long as it wasnt a problem for them. This marked the begining of a new era for me. if they didnt care what i did so long as it didnt reflect on them then id become the liar they always said i was.

i started sneaking around. Id hide my netbook in my room and stay up late online. it started out as just playing online games, pac man, tetres, line rider, and other online arcade kinda games. Then i found a chat room.

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It took less than an hour to make a profile and become popular. I was getting hundreds of messages a day and would spend hours reading and responding to each one with care. some were mundane but most i now know were grooming. these old men all wanted to know about me, my life, my struggles, and my dreams. I told one once about a suicide attempt i had and he was so concerned for me. he gave me his phone number and i would text and call him all the time. He loved me. I had his number saved as daddy in my phone. he introduced me to his friends online and we would stay up all night playing games.

they helped me make a skype account and on skype we would play our games. they loved to tell me what to wear and how to touch myself. They loved watching me get off on their kindness. A simple praise was all it took to keep me hooked and compliant. Then we started meeting in person and i would trade my body for cell phone charms and someone to talk to that gave a shit.

everything was going well until i got cought by my parents. they took my computer and changed my phone number. they went through my texts and emails. they took me to my councilor and cried at ne for an hour. i didnt date again till I was twenty and moved out with her immediately  only to gain a new abuser but thats a diffrent story for a diffrent day.

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I dont know if im a liar anymore. I try to say the things i can confirm. but i still dont trust myself with out my parents telling me what i am. How can i trust someone who for their entire life has been a liar?

lightly edited by Bay.